Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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