If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
