after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The uberlube is also flammable
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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