WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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