i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
