I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
