It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
