If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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