I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
