He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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