Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
