Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
