they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
