She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
