I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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