Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
