I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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