Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
did you just send me my own nude
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
