The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
