if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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