Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
