She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
