Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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