Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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