I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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