I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
