I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
