Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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