hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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