i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will pee on everything he values.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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