U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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