My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
