Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
