I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This is the high leading the old right now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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