if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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