your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
