They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
