Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
