Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So many bounce houses so little time
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
