2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
