eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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