Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I pour the whiskey from now on
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
