The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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