i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
