I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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