My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
