The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
