Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
