So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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