she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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