I wish my penis had an off switch
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
