i think my mom watched the whole time
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
cat food counts as protein by the way
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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