On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Randomize
