I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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