Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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