I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is Oprah even human
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