I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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