I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
