If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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