my sisters under your porch take her home
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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