respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I came so hard my ears popped.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
