i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
