oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
